"How would your biopic go?"

"I dunno. How do you see it going?"

"Well, first, they'd have to cast a slightly hotter, slightly younger version of you. So, like I'm thinking Kate Hudson's son, Ryder."

"Isn't he still in training pants?"

"You're gonna need about another thirty years to season before we can start filming. Right now you're in the formative years, at the height of your performing and drug addiction. But I'm getting ahead of myself."

"What comes first?"

"First we have the sepia-toned flashback to your poverty-stricken childhood in the cotton fields of Mississippi --"

"I was born in Wichita."

"--Fields of Mississippi, where you were forced to endure abuse at the hands of...help me out here."

"A bible-weilding revivalist who told me the Jews killed Jesus?"

"Ooooh, good brain-storming."

"I wish."

"But! You were raised by your beloved Jewish grandmother, and you lived in fear that when after she died (because oh, she was sick, you can tell by all the gray pancake makeup), she'd burn in hell."

"Where are my parents?"

"Dead in a tragic disco inferno. And, in reaction to this senseless slaughter of a happy couple, your grandmother forever outlaws disco music. But you, you have a burning passion to make people dance!"

"No I don't."

"..."

"Seriously. No dancing."

"Dance or no biopic."

"I can make the people dance."

"So, then, title card and flash forward to you grown up. Grandmother's dead. You're married to one of your ex-girlfriends, and she doesn't want you to pursue your dream of making people dance. She wants you to work as an accountant for her father. Also, she's pregnant."

"Of course she is."

"And we'll never really have mention of your kids again. Just establishing what you have on the line before you're given your big break and go out on tour."

"Big bus wheel turning?"

"Absolutely. And then, of course, one night, you'll meet me AND one of your band members will introduce you to the joys of nose candy."

"Cocaine?"

"Advil Cold and Sinus. You will have a crippling addiction to allergy medication."

"Oooh! So in a later scene, will it show me mixing Nyquil and Dayquil?"

"In a kleenex strewn room, with a red nose and puffy eyes. And I will come in..."

"Wait, who's playing you?"

"Apple Paltrow-Martin."

"Niiiiiiiiiiice."

"Hells yeah. Anyway, I'll come in and give you the Oscar speech about cleaning up for your friends, your family and your fans."

"And then rehab scene!"

"And the last title card will come up as you're performing on stage saying you went on to sell 100,000,000 million albums and became one of the country's best-loved artists."

"Even though nobody's heard of me."

"The end."

"Pearl Jam song over the end credits?"

"Absolutely."

"I smell an Irving!"