Thirty seconds after Jack opened that envelope...

"Wait a minute. Crap won?"

"Crap won."

"I don't believe it."

"It's friggin' true."

"No. It's not. Back it up. See how Jack's got this smirking 'gotcha!' look on his face?"

"He always looks like that. Hell, he probably has his face Botoxed into that position."

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

"No, seriously. Fuck. What brought this on?"

"A strong last-minute campaign coinciding with the DVD release. Plus, I mean, really. Which can middle America deal with? Cowboy romance or racism?"

"I don't know anyone from middle America."

"Which can the neighbors deal with? Cowboys in love or the Civil Rights Act of 1964?"

"We've got to get out of this neighborhood."

"Seriously."

"But, I mean, how could Crap win? It was a movie for rich white people afraid of their gardeners and housekeepers! I wasn't spoiled, but I was yelling all the friggin' plot-twists at the screen!"

"And who was spouting the hack dialogue before the character?"

"That would be you."

"If I'd put anything like this up for critique in college, I would have been booed out of the room and kicked out of the program."

"Four out of five pretentious college students agree, it's Crap."

"Fuck. Seriously. Are we that protected?"

"..."

"..."

"Remember that one time, we were on that trip..."

"Yeah. Even the cows were white. Fucking unnerving."

"We're never leaving Albuquerque."

"Never."

"Ever."

"This is like the first time I'm not depressed by it, either."

"Crap won?"