Seriously. Someone storm the CBS offices and take the yellow pen away from Darek Daley. He circles everything for the dumb Americans who don't know what...a tire is.

"Look at this. The round black thing is called a wheel, the black part is called a tire. Let me circle it. Yes, that propels the driver forward."

No kidding? Really? Could you enunciate that, please, because I didn't catch it the first time. "Tyyyyyyyyyy-re."

Then he circles another piece of machinery."Now, if you take a look at this thing here, this is the steering wheel."

That's amazing. I thought F1 was so advanced, they were driving telepathically. Steering wheel. You don't say. Could you tell me more?

"It's not made out of steel or leather, but rather the light-weight material called carbon fiber."

And then, in the penulitmate lap, Webber makes a deseperate block right before the first turn to keep his position from Giancarlo Fisicella, something we see weekend after weekend in this series, but Daley goes nuts with the disdain. "I feel awful for any teenager watching at home wanting to be a Formula One driver, because if he tries this move, he will die. I want to send a message to Max Mosely, telling him that if he continues to allow blocking, someone will die."

Ya wanna borrow my socket set so you can wratchet up the hysteria a little more there, Derek?

The other commentary guy is a Cosell wannabe whose nasal dronings worked with the engines screaming up to 19,000 r.p.m. to knock me right out. I missed 40 laps, but I don't feel deprived. Friday at midnight, Speed will have the rebroadcast, and I think we've got the timer set.

Speed, now there's commentary. You've got the former head Benneton mechanic, Steve Matchett, who's the geek's geek and can explain complicated engineering details with such simple elegance, any English major can understand the inner workings of the car. You've got David Hobbes, former sportscar racer and color commentator, another Brit, talking about the drivers, the tracks, his memories of driving in the 60s and 70s and giving the occasional shout of "LOVE A DUCK!" when something awesome happens on track. And then, as much as I lothed him in the past, there is Bob Varsha ("Shut up, Bob!" -- Adam), token Yank and total gossip hound. Makes for an entertaining two hours.

I pity the casual viewer who was curious about the sport and stumbled across the CBS broadcast. They missed the insightful, intelligent commentary of the Speed crew and got...

Darek Daley, his yellow marker, and a voice reserved for developmentally delayed four-year-olds.

Now we're watching "Garfield: The Movie" to take the bitter taste of yellow marker out of our mouths, but it's not working. The turkey baster state of suck that is the F1 race continues keeps us bathing in the moisture of our misery, because we are just that emo.